All my efforts...

There are days when my best efforts are simply not enough… I am not perfect, I definitely make mistakes but I do the best that I can and somehow muddle through. then I am reminded, with a quick reality check, that there is one way through this messy world… and I am not the solution.

I live a grounded in Jesus life, I serve in ministry and I feel like I am growing into the kind of person that Jesus would be proud to say “that’s MY girl.” I stand on the strength of my convictions. I seek to counsel and guide others to finding Truth and a relationship that is supremely intimate with Jesus. In the midst of experiencing blessing and connection to other believers AND actively seeing His hands at work in my life and the lives of others around me, I still find that stumbling block.

It’s more of a hurdle, a hard-hearted conflict, the kind that leaves your knees bloodied when you don’t manage to successfully clear it. You find yourself winded, the wind knocked out of your lungs… and suddenly you now longer wish to adult. As if that were an actual choice to be made. And here I sit, fuming and raging… venting and bitter. In the midst of a blessed day, I have been derailed by a single encounter. I cannot EVEN imagine extending grace or love… I am happy to say that the source of conflict is NOT technically my “neighbor” because miles exist between us. I know in my heart that Jesus is shaking His head and weeping over my pique of uncharitable thoughts and plots to overthrow all who dare come against me.

Here I sit. Unsatisfied. Irritated. Wanting justice. A lightning bolt. Something, please God something. Anger is that nasty infection that once inflamed does not easily subside, it burns red hot… starving for more fuel, consuming everything. Peace is lost. And found again.

The lightning bolt is this… my best efforts are never going to be enough. I am not righteous enough, evolved enough, or even adult enough to power through conflict or storms on my own strength. I am human, fallible and flawed… I cannot do this in my own strength. There is a prevalent darkness looming in the world, seeking to destroy us with our own best efforts and intentions. So, pouting maturely, I submit to Jesus my need for this “justice”, I will release my anger and let Him sort out the details.

Jesus, I am not enough. Please, please, PLEASE, carry me over, around and through the storms that come before me. Give me the words to speak the truth in love, even to… ugh… especially to my “neighbor”… because I am not doing this on my own. Thank you that your love is sufficient for all of my needs, and it is your love that drives out the darkness and quenches the flames of anger. AMEN.