I just came back from an amazing women's retreat this weekend and was humbled at the gracious women that hosted this event. It has been just over one year since my last retreat and I was starting to feel slightly, well more like EXTREMELY, ready to just run away from home. Unfortunately, my church's retreat isn't until next spring and I just knew that for me that was WAY too long for my soul to wait.
I needed this, really needed more than what I was currently experiencing. I was so desperate I was looking for women's events outside of my own church group... like seriously, if anyone was having a retreat in this area I would have totally gone... by myself. Fortunately, one of our sister churches was having a retreat this month... somewhat divinely in my general area. Hmm, uh yeah. I was SO there. I went with one other woman from my church and I only knew a couple of people ahead of time, but I did NOT even care.
I have so much to say, and I don't even know where to start. I had a plan for this entry, but it seems to be heading different direction...
The theme was Destiny Awakened! woo hoo... can I just have the prophecy now please? I don't want to sit and wait and listen, just pray it in and I will do it. As this woman spoke about destiny, I could barely restrain myself from charging to the front... tell me my destiny. What does God want me to do? Just tell me. I am such a good student of impatience. But as she talks and I try to keep my backside parked in my chair, I start to get it. Am I ready to know my destiny for five years from now? And will knowing that future impact my ability to get there?
Even if she had handed me the magic envelope of cliff notes for my future, having those answers could destroy me. Would I become prideful and arrogant with knowledge? Or fearful of failure, more so than now? At least now when I fear the future, I don't have the foresight to see around the corner. I can only do my best with what I have in front of me. The thing around the corner that I am pulling myself towards, that unknown thing, is a distraction from God's plan for me today. I can't even SEE what around the corner, but I just have to get there now.
Would I have opened the envelope of destiny? I don't know, that's an awful lot of information to process. And I do believe that having opened it, I would have lost that destiny forever. Because one irrevocable action, the one thing you can't take back, changes everything. We are our own worst enemy. Our impatience to get 'there', our ambition, our needs keep us so busy that God gets benched on the sidelines. He is jumping up and down saying "c'mon, let Me in, I can do this, I can help you", but over the dull roar of our freeway mentality His voice is lost in the crowd. My lists of things to do, my dreams, my hopes make me deaf to anything other than me.
Then suddenly, in my ten-year walk with Him, He starts teaching me to just stand, just stand in obedience. This is my spot, my line in the sand, my toes belong here, stand here no matter what may come, just STAND. In February, God gave me this picture. And it was very difficult at first to get my feet to that line. I didn't wanna, the enemy didn't want me to either. So, I prayed... 'please God. I want my feet there, on that line, the one you picked just for me, but my feet won't stay, they won't get there. Please God, can you put my toes to the line?' And He helped me, one foot at a time to stand. When the enemy would come and try and throw me around, I just focused on my line. All I had to do was stand on my line and he couldn't touch me.
Since then the picture has grown, from just my feet on the line by myself, no armor... then me by myself, with a host of angels to fight for me if I could just stay on my line... then last week I got a shield so I could defend against the enemy's attack. Then this weekend, while I was trying to quiet my racing mind to sleep. I turned to God, You are my shield, my protector, my sanctuary shield me from the enemy hide me from his eyes. God surrounded me and I knelt in His protection, so safe and secure and He told me to stand. As I rose up my shield arm came up armed, and the picture rotated so that I had the full picture of what God had just done for me. As I stood with my arm holding my shield to defend, God had armed me completely... helmet, chest plate, full armor and a blazing sword, shiny new armor for me to wear on my line.
It has taken me nine months to get this complete picture, weird. I don't know if this is my 'destiny' of that thing around the corner, but it is definitely what lies ahead, for now. I don't know what God's plan A for me is forever, but I know He wants a bountiful future for all of His children. So seek Him with your whole heart. In those areas where you are feeling lost and without direction, look around and see if you have made room for God to play for your team. Make time to hear Him, because He wants to talk with you. He is your friend and father, will you be His friend?
2 Samuel 22:31
As for God, His way is blameless; the word of the Lord is tested; He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.