Just remember we are supposed to SHINE!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~ Marianne Williamson

Finding the life in my life

Through this season of transition and transformation, I have found so many realizations of how I want the path of my life to go. I grew up fearful that I would become my mother, more specifically, that her weaknesses would consume me. Once I stepped into adulthood and claimed autonomy, I realized that magically transforming into my mother was not likely to happen and I was so overjoyed that I forgot to look after my own shortcomings.

Having the dubious luxury of a dramatic life-change like divorce has really stripped my beliefs down to the core. There can be no more excuses, everything must be re-evaluated, inventory must be taken and the trash must be dumped. I have my own waste products that are a result of things that festered in my marriage, and those things need to go. The other stuff, the waste that belongs to another is not my responsibility. The strange revelation is that I am not responsible for anyone else's introspection or personal growth. Not that I ever truly was... but a part of me went to the places of self-righteous piety. If I could could just earnestly do IT right enough, then the multitude of sins would be covered and life would go on, hopefully for the better.

Life does go on, and it is better. I am trying to regain my spiritual gyroscope so that I can feel that firm grounding in Christ once again. I am looking forward, seeking Him in all of my relationships and in the moments of quiet where I can reclaim myself and who I am supposed to be. I am looking for the guidance and direction to find a new church home that will be a reflection of God on earth for my new family. I am still struggling with how to set down the sadness that I feel over the loss of my church community. It is difficult to know what the right way is, I feel like there is an unfinishedness about that community but I don't know how to resolve it.

So I keep railing at God... if anybody know what needs to be done it would be Him. I actually was yelling in the car, at God. Seriously, I can choose to set down my feelings of abandonment and try to pick up forgiveness... but there is an intervention needed, and I don't know what to do. I look up to my Father and say "HEY!! You see this mess down here??" These broken pieces of my heart where there was once a solid connection keep poking me until it hurts. This spiritual wound of disappointment feels at times a distraction from the moments of pure joy, like it is only coming out in my consciousness to dissuade me from moving forward into a fullness of being.

This ever-present God of mine has been busy distributing the blessings in my life and growing giftings in me that have been long neglected. Out of the ashes of my old life, I begin to flow into the abundance of His plan for me. Reclaiming my voice, His voice, to write again about the miracles of nothing and everything in between has been long overdue. There is a passion being unleashed to create something tangible about truth and His word... and all of the fingerprints He leaves behind.

I lived in the darkness, in a desert and convinced myself that I could truly see Him in all the barrenness. Now today I can see so much more, and the horizon is infinite. I limited God's ability to move in my life past a certain point because I couldn't see past the box that I put myself in. God can move mountains... but sometimes things have to be drastically altered before you can see that the landscape is changing. And so, out of the darkness I stand, moving forward towards a brighter day. In the little things there is life, and the big things just follow along.

I am finding the life in my life... every breath draws in the newness of recreation, and the old ways just fall away. There is a covering of protection around all the new seeds of change He has planted, and there is an abundance of peace, even in the moments where I feel the broken pieces of loss. His peace surpasses all understanding and endures when I think I cannot.

Psalm 138:3-8

3 When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted. 7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. 8 The LORD will fulfill [his purpose] for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands.

My Life Redefined

It has been nearly a year since my last post, my life has become a liquid shifting place. Change and transformation have been my current path. Since I last posted, my marriage collapsed on itself. We were both to blame for how we got to the point of impasse, and then my ex-husband went too far and verbally attacked me. I tried to move past it, I tried to forgive it, I tried to set it down... and in the end it was too much. My safe harbor within the sanctity of marriage was shattered, and I was done.

My decision to divorce sent shock waves through my personal community of friends, family and church family. Everyone was shocked and some were horrified... in the end, I stood by my decisions and I lost many friends and my church home and those losses were heartbreaking to me.

I felt God's continual presence with me as I moved into the new chapter of my life. Where I felt the church abandoned and forsook me, God never left me. As I vented to my small group of friends, God stood by me and offered His everlasting support. For every friend that walked away, He replaced them with stronger more life-giving relationships. For every judgement that was cast on me, He offered me compassion and solace. He has been my rock... through this wilderness, He is my guide and I do not walk alone.

There have been several things that I have learned about myself through this process. I learned that I am the only one who gets to live my life, and if it isn't working for me, it doesn't matter what other people expect me to do, at the end of the day I have to do what I feel is right. I have learned to love completely those around me, I am learning to go with the flow, I am learning to let go of things that I cannot change and I am reconnecting with my inner artist. And that includes, reclaiming the writing of this blog... which I have missed terribly.

I am a daughter of God... He has called me out of creation and I am His beloved. There is nothing that I can do to make Him love me less. He is the original artist... from His hands he drew the heavens into being. I am so blessed with my walk with Him and I am grateful for His discernment and wisdom in my life.

SO.. I begin my new life. As a mother, sister, daughter, cousin, pseudo-auntie, and a friend. My identity is in process as I learn who I am as a person who is no longer a wife. My path has changed from small and narrow to being so wide I cannot see the edges in any direction... it if full of life and potential, discovery and healing, forgiveness and acceptance and mercy. I am finding that the person I am is strong and reliable, creative, vibrant and powerful... I have found my voice once again. And I am glad to be me.

2 Corinthians 3:12-18 12 Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13 We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14 But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. 15 Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16 But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

The Theory of Toothpaste

One of the things I love most about myself is my quick wit. I am usually the first to have that perfect crack, the one remark that has everyone laughing. From childhood, I was fed sarcasm until it became second nature; in my early twenties I took great delight in triumph in my ability to annihilate anyone with a few well-placed words. Over the years, I have learned, or started to learn, how to still be the smartass without inflicting damage. I am not always successful, but I try very hard… very very hard.

 

Despite my toughness, I really don’t want to hurt people… especially those that I love and apologizing is so hard when you know that the words that you speak never really go away. You may receive forgiveness… but nobody ever forgets, and trust can be forever shattered. I don’t want to be the raging bull in the china shop leaving a trail of broken relationships behind me… so I fight my nature, and try to be mindful of my words. Engage my brain before I open my mouth, it’s hard to get my foot in there if my mouth isn’t open.

 

BUT… I want to win, have the last word, and be the one left standing not be the one who is hurt and angry. It’s not fair that I watch my words when other people don’t. I don’t always want to be the one who is censoring myself… I want to win! My pastor has this remark about not being able to get toothpaste back into the tube after you squeeze it out. So here is my theory (borrowed theory at any rate) about toothpaste. We have all squeezed the tube too hard and tried to work at least some of the goo back in... it doesn’t really work, but we still try. Some people really like to use a lot of paste, others use very little. It’s a matter of preference I guess, but I can’t tell you how much toothpaste is right for you.

 

I can tell you that like toothpaste, words once said never go away. Once you say something good, bad or indifferent… you can’t really take it back. You can say that you do, but it’s out there and it doesn’t vanish from our hearts. Especially the bad, it really hangs on to our hearts and we always remember the wound. In a conflict, there are no winners. Even if I victoriously decimate you with my words, I don’t win. Oh, I so want to win, I have the words. I can lash out, and end this conversation, triumphantly put you in your place, show you that I am right and you, you are oh so wrong. At what cost? At what point does my righteous (ish) indignation supercede yours? In what world do we live in that this is the way that we interact with on another? It’s me against everybody, and I will take you out before you even have a chance to get close.

 

It is our fear of being vulnerable that makes us cling to the armor that we know, for me it’s words. I can build walls that even I can’t climb and keep myself removed from intimacy and authenticity. Fortunately, for all of us, God is greater than our worst downside. Not one of is a cosmic exception; we are all redeemable and called to be in relationship with our Father. I don’t have to get it right every time, but I do have to hand it over to Him. The rage, frustration, pain all of it… it is not mine any more than my joy. It is all from Him and for Him. Sometimes I feel like I am being turned inside out and all the yuckies are being shaken loose from corners of my soul that I didn’t even know existed. It is not always something that I am prepared for, nor is it always that pleasant. I don’t really want to know that those things were actually a part of me. Awkward and embarrassing, difficult to explain… like He caught me squeezing the toothpaste all over the bathroom counter. Uhh… it seemed like a good idea at the time? I wanted to be right. I didn’t want to hurt.

 

Oh, right… I am sorry Father. Please, please help me. Guard my words, let my words be Your words. When I open my mouth let me speak Your truth, let Your wisdom guide me in the darkness. Let your righteousness overrule my need to be right. Bind my words; hold my heart so that I am not afraid or angry. Heal my woundedness that causes me to strike first, last always. Forgive me my weakness and knee jerk reactions, show me Your hand. Abba, Daddy, Father... You are my all in all. Thank You, thank You, thank You. Amen… so be it.

 

Romans 8:26-28

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 

Half Empty or Half Full?

Are we not all looking at the glass half full? We can be so easily fixated on the things that are going wrong around us that we fail to see the goodness of life. We succumb to our fears of what is unknown or what can go wrong if we don't have absolute control over our lives. Since, of course, we can't really control everything anyway, all we see is the flaws, what we are 'owed', not an accurate representation of reality... only a perceived reality. A reality where we are not putting God first.

There is a trickle down effect that happens as a result of our actions. It affects our immediate circle and then spreads out to other people. When we are casting our lines out in contact with other people we need to be conscious of what we are using for bait. Are we baiting our hooks with resentment, pain and deceit or are we using God's mercy, love and forgiveness? What we throw out into the world affects everyone, it passes from us to people we have never even met across the world. We are all connected somehow and when we value our relationship with God, that spreads... not like the plague, but like a rapid flow of blessing that can ultimately span the globe.

We are responsible for what mark we leave on the world. What do you want your mark to say about you? Did you love well? Did you learn to forgive? Did you find joy? Did you feel peace? Did you show these gifts to someone else so that they can learn to share it too? Or did you stay stuck in your generational sins, blaming the world for all that has gone wrong in your life?

My life is my example. I want who I am to be what I do. I want my words to brighten some one's day, or better yet be the turning point where they can experience a lightness of being that is not contingent on their circumstances. I want to be inclusive and warm. I want people to like me, and I want to like them more than I thought I could. I don't want to know the 'WHY'... I just want to know what 'IS". The is for me is HIS; His right to rule, His kingdom advanced. I am a passenger on this journey, not the captain. We are on this trip together... so what can I do to make your day easier today?


Proverbs 11:27 ~ "Whoever diligently seeks good seeks favor, but evil comes to him who searches for it."

Identity... unknown.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I have days when I barely recognize myself. Who is this woman that I see? Who am I to HIM? Physically, it is not that my features have changed. But when I look at myself, in my own eyes, I see a familiar stranger. Like, we have met before but I can't quite place it. I am a changed person. My identity feels like a liquid, intangible, changing element.

Things I know about myself like my past, no longer feels set in stone. I know the gifts that He has blessed me with in my walk, things that He is calling me to use in His name, but the things of my past? My wounds, my scars, my sins, my shame, my LIFE, something is shifting in my heart, coming undone. I don't feel like I have complete ownership over those things anymore.

The areas in my heart that He has healed, restored and released are transforming me. Who is this woman? I have always been the rebel, the strong one, the survivor. I protested against injustice, when things were askew I was unafraid to rock the boat to bring about balance. I have been the loud voice, the bull in the china shop... shoot first, ask questions later. I was the rule breaker, the non-conformist within my own family, the black sheep. Act first, think on it later.

Now however, I feel courageous because of Him, anticipating His right to rule and lead me to speak His heart. I have learned that submitting to Christ and waiting in obedience is not an act of weakness or of fear. These things are acts of freedom and of victory over ourselves. There is so much value to be gained in these acts, identity crisis notwithstanding. I am FREE. My actions are driven, led, and released to Him, Christ... first, last and always.

Who am I? It remains to be seen. What I do know is that I am transformed... or transforming before my very own eyes. The past year has revealed much to me. I have learned to wait and breathe, I don't need to rush around and find God's will. When I wait and am still... He speaks over the din of life. I lift you up in my prayers, may YOU be magnified in His Holy Name!!

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

umm... wow.

I just came back from an amazing women's retreat this weekend and was humbled at the gracious women that hosted this event. It has been just over one year since my last retreat and I was starting to feel slightly, well more like EXTREMELY, ready to just run away from home. Unfortunately, my church's retreat isn't until next spring and I just knew that for me that was WAY too long for my soul to wait.

I needed this, really needed more than what I was currently experiencing. I was so desperate I was looking for women's events outside of my own church group... like seriously, if anyone was having a retreat in this area I would have totally gone... by myself. Fortunately, one of our sister churches was having a retreat this month... somewhat divinely in my general area. Hmm, uh yeah. I was SO there. I went with one other woman from my church and I only knew a couple of people ahead of time, but I did NOT even care.

I have so much to say, and I don't even know where to start. I had a plan for this entry, but it seems to be heading different direction...

The theme was Destiny Awakened! woo hoo... can I just have the prophecy now please? I don't want to sit and wait and listen, just pray it in and I will do it. As this woman spoke about destiny, I could barely restrain myself from charging to the front... tell me my destiny. What does God want me to do? Just tell me. I am such a good student of impatience. But as she talks and I try to keep my backside parked in my chair, I start to get it. Am I ready to know my destiny for five years from now? And will knowing that future impact my ability to get there?

Even if she had handed me the magic envelope of cliff notes for my future, having those answers could destroy me. Would I become prideful and arrogant with knowledge? Or fearful of failure, more so than now? At least now when I fear the future, I don't have the foresight to see around the corner. I can only do my best with what I have in front of me. The thing around the corner that I am pulling myself towards, that unknown thing, is a distraction from God's plan for me today. I can't even SEE what around the corner, but I just have to get there now.

Would I have opened the envelope of destiny? I don't know, that's an awful lot of information to process. And I do believe that having opened it, I would have lost that destiny forever. Because one irrevocable action, the one thing you can't take back, changes everything. We are our own worst enemy. Our impatience to get 'there', our ambition, our needs keep us so busy that God gets benched on the sidelines. He is jumping up and down saying "c'mon, let Me in, I can do this, I can help you", but over the dull roar of our freeway mentality His voice is lost in the crowd. My lists of things to do, my dreams, my hopes make me deaf to anything other than me.

Then suddenly, in my ten-year walk with Him, He starts teaching me to just stand, just stand in obedience. This is my spot, my line in the sand, my toes belong here, stand here no matter what may come, just STAND. In February, God gave me this picture. And it was very difficult at first to get my feet to that line. I didn't wanna, the enemy didn't want me to either. So, I prayed... 'please God. I want my feet there, on that line, the one you picked just for me, but my feet won't stay, they won't get there. Please God, can you put my toes to the line?' And He helped me, one foot at a time to stand. When the enemy would come and try and throw me around, I just focused on my line. All I had to do was stand on my line and he couldn't touch me.

Since then the picture has grown, from just my feet on the line by myself, no armor... then me by myself, with a host of angels to fight for me if I could just stay on my line... then last week I got a shield so I could defend against the enemy's attack. Then this weekend, while I was trying to quiet my racing mind to sleep. I turned to God, You are my shield, my protector, my sanctuary shield me from the enemy hide me from his eyes. God surrounded me and I knelt in His protection, so safe and secure and He told me to stand. As I rose up my shield arm came up armed, and the picture rotated so that I had the full picture of what God had just done for me. As I stood with my arm holding my shield to defend, God had armed me completely... helmet, chest plate, full armor and a blazing sword, shiny new armor for me to wear on my line.

It has taken me nine months to get this complete picture, weird. I don't know if this is my 'destiny' of that thing around the corner, but it is definitely what lies ahead, for now. I don't know what God's plan A for me is forever, but I know He wants a bountiful future for all of His children. So seek Him with your whole heart. In those areas where you are feeling lost and without direction, look around and see if you have made room for God to play for your team. Make time to hear Him, because He wants to talk with you. He is your friend and father, will you be His friend?

2 Samuel 22:31
As for God, His way is blameless; the word of the Lord is tested; He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.